I’ve kind of already done this with my not resolutions per se resolutions but new blog, yo – it’s time to talk intentions. I may have a list of things I want to do in ’21 but I intend to shed the fear, stop getting in my own way – and to take the best care of myself possible. Pandemic or no, nobody knows me as well as I know myself – and nobody fucks me over better than me.
I’ve spent so much of my life time playing myself down. Beating myself up for not being bright enough, successful enough – enough enough. But enough for whom? By societies standards maybe I don’t have it all but that’s just one very outdated measurement – and let’s face it, if society has HIS way, I’d still never fucking measure up because there is literally no way to win. Plus, HE doesn’t want us to win because then what? Rebels running amok loving and accepting themselves? The diet/beauty/self-improvement industries would crumble to dust! THE HORROR.
Anyway, I feel I have some decisions to make this year and hopefully this side of the Summer. Job stuff, life stuff. Really I have everything I ever wanted but creative fulfillment is something I’d like to work on as well as self-belief. Maybe just figuring out what I even mean by those things is a start.
And I say Summer because it feels far away but not too distant. When will this shit end? I can’t deny the news has me reaching for the shots (and I don’t even drink), it’s that bleak. I just long to feel the wind on my cheek. To wander around Brighton’s grubbiest alley ways looking at graffiti. People watching. Rummaging round book shops. Eating pizza in outside seating areas, bumping into people I haven’t seen for ages. I miss those impromptu hugs, the screeching across a beer garden – the promises to meet up for real and never following through.
I miss who I am sometimes. The pandemic has taken something from me, from us all I suspect. Here I am in the same flesh with the same ideas and dreams, but I feel hollow. Life is all anxiety or denial right now. I turn my head away from reality to literally get through the days. If I didn’t I’d sit there worrying about my family and the economy, and all those lives lost. I fully intend to work on all of this – to slowly but surely get the girl back. And the rest.