It’s a funny old time, isn’t it? In the UK, we’re in the midst of a third lockdown and just getting on with things as best we can. And doing the same no doubt, wherever we are in the world. I’m not sure how I feel because it changes from hour to hour. Sometimes minute to minute. I don’t feel anything at the moment, which might be a good thing.
I don’t feel anxious – which normally sends me down a road of feeling anxious because I don’t feel anxious enough. I don’t feel happy (though I’m content I suppose) – I’m not sad, I’m angry periodically (fuck the Tories) but surprisingly zen at the moment because I’m avoiding anything Boris and his cronies have to say. I’m worried about my loved ones but I know they’re being careful and it’s easy to stay connected to them, even if it isn’t ideal. I’d give anything to hug them all though, one by one.
I know I’ll feel better when my Mum’s been vaccinated but apart from that, this gal’s got her head deep in the sand, just chugging along one day at a time. We actually had a chat last night about our most loathed COVID phrases and mine’s “taking it one day at a time”, in response to “How you doing?”. Beau hates “the new-normal”, while Glynn takes umbrage to the most depressing of all: “grim milestone”.
If I’m totally honest – why wouldn’t I be? – I’m dealing with this hellish month by napping whenever it’s feasible and watching increasingly horrible horror movies. Talking with a friend the other night, I mentioned the sleeping and was pleased to hear he feels exactly the same way. That it’s a way to rest the body but also shut out the daily thoughts – and I’d not really thought of it like that, weirdly.
I figured I was just a lazy toad but it is a way of not thinking or feeling. Although the dreams are wicked bizarre right now – at least I can examine them later down the line if I want to – or file them away, never to be thought of in the cold light of day again. Though sometimes there just isn’t any way to explain why the dream you has left her husband for Mike ‘the Situation’ Sorrentino from Jersey Shore.
As for the horror, I think that’s to remind me that despite the numbness right now, I am still alive. I’ve done a little flit with New French Extremity (oo-er) and now I’m knee deep in the video nasties. I want to be shocked and disgusted and scared for 90 minutes at a time to remind myself that I can still feel those things – also in some ways, control my feelings since I can’t control anything else in life right now. Obviously I’m being dramatic and I’m embellishing for comedy value but there’s a core of truth to it. Horror is absolutely my go-to to feel better and I’ve been having a lark working my way through a lot of things I’ve not seen before. Not a video nasty but Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987) was a masterpiece.
In other news, I’m working on ‘toxic positivity’ and allowing others – and myself – to feel my feelings. If I feel like a pile of steaming hot garbage when I wake up, I’ll own that. I’m sitting with it until I’m ready to address it – but not marinating in it, or letting it drag me down too far. I’m also being conscious of giving other people the space to do the same – there’s nothing worse than someone trying to gee you up, urging you to see the positive side when you feel like your world is caving in. It’s also incredibly harmful and one of the many reasons people don’t speak up about mental health issues.
Anyway, this has just been a general catch up – this is where I am right now – after dinner I may be somewhere else. Tomorrow I’ll feel different again. I’m tired, warm and well fed. I’m lucky and grateful. I’m mopey, anxious, scared – I’m numb – all at once and then not at all.