Or: I’m doing hot girl shit
Your killer vacation awaits.
Thrills, Chills and screwball comedy meet tiny bikinis and gory dismemberment in this chlorine and blood drenched murder mystery.
I think ‘screwball comedy’ might be a little ambitious of this truly schlocky little number. It’s not that bad but honey, it’s no Bringing Up Baby. Or maybe I’m being harsh? Perhaps you could argue it’s the BUB of horror movies about killer water slides.
Anyway. It’s graduation weekend for a bunch of high school kids on the cusp of their stupid hot lives. To celebrate, they’re spending the weekend at Wet Valley, a rundown old water park well past its sell by date. Regardless, everybody’s pumped and raring to go. Among our highly sexed, coke bumping teens are: Josh, Chad and Slim who form local band, The Blades; cheeky ginger Alice and oafish bully ‘Big Phil’.
Joining them are water park bosses Paul and Priscilla, a warring married couple – and various staff members: girl next door Kimberley, her possessive boyfriend Tommy and salty sea dog/handyman Conrad, who has a penchant for spouting cryptic warnings at the kids, and might be the best character.
I’m not going to pretend this film doesn’t have a very flimsy yet sometimes hard to follow plot. I’m still a little hazy on the ending too but we’ll get to that. While our characters enjoy a high old time: bonfires, parties and the upcoming water slide competition which will furnish the winning team with $500 cash – something is afoot. The rumour mill suggests there was a death at the park back in ’84 – and this weekend marks the 35 year anniversary. OOOH.
So while the bikinis are getting plenty of airtime, some of the characters are starting to disappear behind the scenes. Not that anybody really notices. Being day drunk and high on suncream fumes will do that to you. Oh, and everybody who’s anybody is shagging: Paul is having it off with Alice – which makes me feel very ick as she is literally just out of school. His wife Priscilla appears to be schtupping Josh’s vile dad, businessman Michael but is also rumoured to pick a new virgin every Summer to take for a test run. Could Slim be in with a chance this year?
Meanwhile, Josh has been seeing Kimberley behind Tommy’s back and they’re newly in love. When Tommy finds out he takes it about as calmly as you’d expect from a nasty jock. Though he finds out via leaked sex video delivered to everybody’s phones so I guess you can’t really blame him for being upset.
And there’s also a subplot about the water park being sold behind the scenes but honestly it has very little bearing on anything. We’re all here for the gore though, right? Well, just before the teams limber up, Tommy notices something’s amiss and tries to warn everybody – which goes down like a lead balloon. Frankly Pris and her husband are too busy trying to one up each other with the youths to give a flying fuck.
To the horror! One of the three slides has been rigged to cause as much carnage as possible – and while I won’t go into detail about what that means, the clue’s absolutely in the title. Heads, limbs and torsos roll, some of our faves lose their lives and it’s just a wonderful bloodbath. I’m still not certain why this has all happened, even when the culprit and their motivation is revealed. Like, I get the gist, but it’s not particularly well thought out. And it’s also not clear why the death occurred in 1984. General negligence?
However flimsy the plot is, I did have fun with this film. It harks back to the traditional slashers of the eighties quite nicely with its scantily clad, always shagging teens and I appreciate the run down water park as a setting. The characters aren’t too heinous – I actually cared what happened to Alice. Priscilla and Paul are a confusing couple, presumably the cause of all their friction is the fact that neither of them can keep their pants on? I can’t say I give that much of a shit about either of them. Conrad however is a wonderful Scooby Doo-esque character who lends a kitsch feel to proceedings.
But while Aquaslash is retro in feel, it’s not as overt as say Friday the 13th. I would have liked more dramatic kills in the lead up to the water slide incident – in some ways it feels like a lot of teenagers talking and then a super fun climax which knocks the pacing out of whack. More suspense could have elevated this one for me.
I do think it’s a fun little number that will entertain you for 71 minutes and maybe make you smile every now and again when you think about it. I mean, if severed limbs flying everywhere is your bag.
Rating: 3 neon bikini bottoms out of 5